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Saint Peter stood at the Pearly Gates of Heaven as three men stood in line waiting to enter.
Peter asked the first man in line, "Before I let you in, I have to ask you a question. What was your I.Q.?" The man answered, "180." Peter replied,"What were you? A rocket scientist?" "Yes, sir," the man answered. "Ok, go on in," said Peter.
The next man came up to Peter. He asked the same question of him. "160," replied the second man. "What were you, a brain surgeon?" Peter asked the man. "Yes, sir." He was allowed in.
The next man came forward and was asked the same question. "68," he replied. "Well," said Peter, "did you get your deer?"

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: Wash. Biol. Surv.; until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
"Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible."
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

There were these two guys out hunting when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing.
They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole! The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them.
"Have you seen a goat anywhere in the area?," he asked.
"Yes," they replied, "one just ran and jumped into the mine shaft in front of us!
The man replied, "that couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."


A friend of mine going to hunt in Alaska said he couldn't tell the difference between a black bear and a grizzly. I told him the easiest and most sure-fire way to tell which species it was is to run up behind the bear and kick it in the butt. Then run and climb up a tree. If the bear climbs the tree and eats him it's a black bear. If the bear pushes the tree over and eats him it's a grizzly.

A hunter from the city bagged a big buck deer. Just about that time, the game warden arrived and asked if the hunter had a hunting license. The hunter said he didn't have a license, so the game warden had to take the hunter and the deer to town.
The game warden helped the hunter drag the 300-pound deer out to the road--at which point the hunter exclaimed, "I just remembered--I do have a deer license after all."

Etiquette Tips for Rednecks, (I couldn't resist a good redneck joke)

PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance in some circles. NASCAR T-shirts, if clean, will work at the reception, but not at the ceremony.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this Special Occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral.

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